Post-Conviction Emotions & How the Relationship is Affected: It’s Not Easy, but You’re Not Alone
- Elisa Grant
- Oct 8, 2022
- 4 min read
Updated: Jul 23, 2023
The blow after a wrongful conviction, or any conviction for that matter, hurts.
You will need time to recover from it. The first and most important step is to make sure you take the necessary time to grieve. No matter how much time one is given behind bars, it’s hard. They are taken away, you WILL feel their absence, and they will lose a piece of themselves while being institutionalized. It’s inevitable. Not only do you now have to deal with the pain of their absence, but you must pick up the pieces, handle all the business for your household, work, take care of yourself mentally, and also be their support system. Being someone’s support system so they don’t lose themselves is a very hard job, especially when YOU are the one that needs support. For many individuals that were taking care of their home by working and providing, the inability to do so while incarcerated is very stressful on them. Knowing that they have left you out here to bust your tail to take care of everything, including them, makes them feel less of a man or woman. This WILL cause a stressor on the relationship. You will constantly have to assure them that you do not blame them or think less of them because of their inability to help, given this situation is out of their control.
Trust issues arise in their absence, and yes, it goes both ways. While incarcerated, they will feel lonely and know that you feel the same. They will wonder if you’re being faithful and true. This can be stressful for you on the outside because you are doing so much to accommodate them while still handling business and you just want them to see that and never doubt you. They understand that you have needs that they can’t fulfill at the present, but you will both have to work around that to fulfill each other in alternate ways. Being vulnerable with each other and having deep conversations will allow you to get to know them on another level and will force conversations to come about that one normally wouldn’t have due to fear or personal reservations. This can also help build a stronger level of trust and strengthen your bond knowing that they trust you enough to be open and honest with you. The intimacy will not be physical, but rather emotional. Take advantage of that. A lot of times people will go straight to the physical, and when that initial excitement wears off they are left with nothing. Making time weekly to just talk with one another about goals and plans helps keep both parties accountable and gives you both something to look forward to and work towards. It will show them that you are not giving up on them, but rather are including them in future plans that revolve around the relationship.
Positive affirmations are a must. In a place where they are isolated and around others who do not have their best interest in mind, speaking love and positivity into them is very important. Being imprisoned takes so much from people including time, money, memories, experiences, joy, etc. The worst thing that it robs someone of is their worth and security. They will feel let down in so many ways and they will be made to feel like they are the enemy. It brings about this defensive persona that will follow them even after incarceration. It’s no surprise that many people in their circle will drop off during their time incarcerated, as they are not around to benefit that person anymore. It’s sad, but true. It teaches a valuable lesson but unfortunately doesn’t make it hurt any less. They will feel neglected and forgotten, and it is even more important to reassure them that you are with them through this process and that you don’t look at them any differently. Don’t let them lose sight of who they really are.
A positive support system on the outside is vital. The stress of incarceration proves detrimental to one’s health, with ailments such as hypertension, diabetes, and asthma a huge problem for inmates. Mental health is also a major problem. with many inmates having untreated issues prior to incarceration that only worsen during this time, and others who develop issues during incarceration such as depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Stress creates many problems and is known to affect our health. You get so busy being positive for them and being their support system and that is no easy task. Many times, you will feel overwhelmed and experience a range of emotions like sadness, anger, confusion, and defeat. I get it. It’s hard. You’re stuck between wanting to be honest with them and not wanting to add to their stress level. You must do what you feel is right, and if you need to break down that’s ok...whether it’s in front of them or after the phone hangs up. But what’s important is that you take some time for you and get yourself back together again. There’s work to be done and no one will make it happen like you will. You got this. We got this.
Elisa Grant - 10/8/2022
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